A Note

Life is the only way
to get covered in leaves,
catch your breath on the sand,
rise on wings;

to be a dog,
or stroke its warm fur;

to tell pain
from everything it's not;

to squeeze inside events,
dawdle in views,
to seek the least of all possible mistakes.

An extraordinary chance
to remember for a moment
a conversation held
with the lamp switched off;

and if only once
to stumble upon a stone,
end up soaked in one downpour or another,

mislay your keys in the grass;
and to follow a spark on the wind with your eyes;
and to keep on not knowing
something important.

~ Wislawa Szymborska ~



(Monologue of a Dog, translated by S. Baranczak and C. Cavanagh)

I'm certain I have a a million words to write, and some day, I hope to.

What does it mean to be a writer? Am I to be penniless and starving? Heartbroken and beaten? Delusional and swept away? And is there more meaning to the words which lay before me - double entendres - hidden meanings - so many stories to write yet no clue when and where to begin.

I don't believe in memoirs before 40... 50 really. Yet I'm not even outside of my twenties. Then again, I have things to say. So, I'll say them. If for no other reason then to place them on a page and watch the re-enactment unfold.

There are pretty words to be spoken, about not so lovely things. I want to write them all down and see where my chips fall.

A Birthday Wish for the World

With less than 24 hours left of my 27th year of life, I stand present and accounted for. I approach 27 with so much hope, it takes my breath away. Looking at life with eyes wide open. This is not a crossroad, but instead a long and winding road. I assume as much as things have changed, they will continue to do so. I suppose the key is to find peace in the ever-changing. Being thankful for that which we have, even if it is only for a moment. In the past year so much has inspired me, broken me down, dawned on me... I have lived such a rich existence and I am so thankful for those who have known me, and been part of this crazy life I lead. A few have walked in, a few have walked out. But in the end, they left impressions I plan to carry with me, always. As cliché as it feels to write these words: with every ending, there is a new beginning. I believe that. To all those out there who can not see beyond what stands right before them, I say, take it from one who has had so many boundaries placed upon them, and break them! Life is worth living. Breathe in all the pain and melodrama and when you exhale find the beauty within it all. Five years ago... I was in DisneyWorld. 4 years ago... I was in the Bahamas, alone. 3 years ago... San Francisco in an 80s limousine, and 6 of my closest friends. 2 years ago... San Francisco in a party bus with 30 of my friends. 1 year ago I was in New York, with Magnolia cupcakes and crappy Chinese food... Tomorrow... well it has yet to be written. Even still, I look forward to it. I love my life, and I love this world. If I had one wish for each and every one of you: celebrating your life with a whole heart would be it! Find the poetry in motion... and embrace the bittersweet. Happy 27th, Tracy Lynn! What a beautiful person you've turned out to be.

There are a pair of long legs beside a set of incredible breasts. Side by side. 6 train – local (with express stops through the Bronx), Uptown. The legs: European – boyfriend in tow. The breasts: Upper East Side. Both of them keep lookin’ at me, lookin’ at them… Fuckin’ lesbians ; ) .

Hot town summer in the City. All of these boys and girls play dress up for each other. Yet here I sit allowing my pre-assembled playlist to serenade me. They all look at me like I’m keeping some secret from them… perhaps I am.

Next stop: Grand Central

Advertising often baffles me. Are we really that easily swayed? Why are too few many people genuinely clever?

(The chick with tits won’t stop staring at me … think I should make a move?! --- She has a pretty face. Jason would like her.)

Sometimes when I ride express lines I feel like life has chosen some alternate path for me. Maybe I’ll get on the wrong (or could it be right?) train and I’ll enter some strange portal. Catapulting me… Forward or to the side… Never back. --- Done looking back --- and when I step foot on the platform, my destination will bring an entirely new world.

Where’s the magic?
--- Find me ---

Upper East Side --> Exit stage right.

I'm expected to accept the decided. I suppose this is easy for most... For me? Not so much. I question the meaning of decided. In a world of option and opportunity how can any one thing be decided? Then again... I wish I were the decision or the deciding factor... And perhaps I am and too much time has passed and the distance impairs my ability to see truth clearly... I don't really know.

I'm re-reading the Odyssey. It hit me this morning on the subway that the last time I read it was ten years ago. Then it hit me that it didn't seem like it was ten years ago. Then I realized I was reading it while a mariachi band was performing on my train car while I was reading about Odysseus and Penelope's son... I actually laughed out loud. There I was reading Homer while a group of Mexican's sang for change -- Sorry Jay:no offense -- Just found it funny.

Ella and I are booked on a 7:50 am direct flight out of JFK into Oakland on July 31st, 2008 *JetBlue "They don't fly-They jet"*. Seems like yesterday I was texting the world about a one way ticket to New York out of Sacramento on July 13th, 2007. . . Time flies doesn't it? Apparently so do Ella and I.

Here's a thought: time is a source of measurement that cannot be easily defined. I sit in this apartment. An apartment a year ago I had never stepped foot in or laid eyes on. In another year, I will no longer climb the two, narrow flights of stairs to arrive in said apartment. A year ago the cat who plays with the cotton object near the door wasn't reality to me. She was simply ... unknown. What else waits to be discovered? Who am I waiting to be discovered by? In a years time where will I be? Where will you be? I used to dream, these elaborate, fantastical dreams... Now it's as if my mind has been occupied with this concept of time. We divide ourselves, spreading ourselves so thin, one can't help but question quality versus quantity. Lately, I feel like I spend my waking hours craving sleep. Yet, when sleep is supposed to be had... I cannot reach a state of calm... I used to believe that had to do with a lack of another human... Perhaps though, it's the measurement of quality versus quantity mixed with time. Whatever it may be - I'm not dreaming.

June 16th, 2008

I will see Greece in the next 18 months. I've decided. Officially added to the Life List.